


A Different Kind of Meta

by Glide_Glaze



Category: Plants vs Zombies
Genre: Betrayal, Fear, Gen, Gun Violence, Humor, Isolation
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-05
Updated: 2020-03-05
Packaged: 2021-02-28 17:21:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,047
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23030866
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Glide_Glaze/pseuds/Glide_Glaze
Summary: A humorous story where after Professor Brainstorm fails from RNG yet again, he unveils the greatest zombie trick of all: a WEAPON. Can the agents of L.E.A.F. save Gardener Tony? It's up to YOU.....to find out.
Kudos: 5





	A Different Kind of Meta

The plant heroes all ran and shouted in terror. The zombies had the ultimate weapon on their side at last; more fearsome than robot dinosaurs and more powerful than a horde of a thousand browncoats. Sprinting and shouting through the city streets of Suburbia, various agents of L.E.A.F. forget all about their wondrous super powers and just do their best to put distance between them and Professor Brainstorm. The genius had conjured one Baseball Zombie too many, and had finally snapped. 

It was quite the one-sided battle against Captain Combustible. His entourage of science zombies were doing very poorly against his swarm of mushrooms, and defeat was inevitable. However, before the final blow could be dealt, the professor unveiled his greatest invention yet. One that didn't need to worry about block meter RNG or topdecking. Professor Brainstorm pulled out a fucking GUN. Before the captain could even give his stunned animation, the bullet pierced right through his bark and extinguished his flames permanently. Zero health. The other minions looked at each other with a unified expression of "Fuck this" and skedaddled. Things continued to go downhill quickly.

The Gardener wasn't too happy with the way the plant heroes had all decided to cram themselves into his greenhouse, quivering like cowards. So much for the amazing L.E.A.F. plants.

"Flare, come on. You've got fire on your side. Couldn't you just...incinerate the guy? Or maybe Spudow could sit on him or something?"

'Tony, I don't think you understand. He. Has. A. Fucking. Gun. A GUN, TONY. I don't wanna become a statistic!'

She turned to Rose.

'C'mon girl. You're from the past. You should have died years ago. Take one for the team and get it over with. Maybe goatify him before you drop.'

'I should think not! I'll have you know I am the waifu of a great number of people! My death would only make the world worse by default! Surely the brave Mister Spudow here can take a bit of lead or two.'

The poor potato was huge, but even he knew that he didn't want to fight a bit of metal flying at high speed. He bashfully hid behind Chompzilla's many leaves, trying to keep out of sight.

'D-don't wanna go....'

"See, this shit is why I wanted the military to come around. Instead I'm stuck with a fuck ton of mowers and a group of plants refusing to do their jobs."

'You make it sound like it's so easy, Ton'. I'm sorry we can't all be as fearless and bloodthirsty as you.'

"I don't fucking believe this..."

Peering out from the window, they can all see the back of Wall-Knight, standing stoically as he guards the greenhouse. With this being such a high risk situation, he's gone into 24/7 Uncrackable mode, ensuring that even a truckload of zombies won't be getting past him.

'Hope you keep some snacks stored in this place, because we might be here a while. How long do you think it'll be until he invents grenades?'

'Could be any second now. Hey, is anybody here up for a game of Mancala in the meantime? You do have Mancala, don't you Gardener?'

"Look guys, just let me out and into my house, I'll grab my keys and we'll book it. I hear the next town over uses guns for self defense instead of plants. Doesn't that sound great?"

Every single one of them looked appalled at the very thought of it.

'I've never heard of such folly in one plan! If the problem here is his weaponry, what good would it be to retreat to a place with MORE weapons?'

"Well Rose, it'd be us with the guns, so we'd get to fight back instead of cowering in a greenhouse."

Going for the door, he finds his next step bodyblocked by Green Shadow, her cute little leaves spread out as she too shakes her head.

'I'm sorry Gardener, but as agents of L.E.A.F., our primary goal is to protect the rest of mankind. Letting you put yourself at risk is the last thing any of us would allow.'

Pulling herself up onto a table, she pushed a few plant pots aside and gestured outside towards the hardy nut, pulling herself up a little taller as she goes for a morale boost.

'Listen well, everybody. Danger might be just a few meters away. However, salvation could be only a few thousand days away! Eventually the Professor will tire of hunting us down and perhaps go to attack HQ. Once he does, we'll......well, we'll still be in here, but at least we won't be in as much danger. And then, as a few short years pass, he'll decompose properly and cease to exist. Once that happens, we'll be free! We'll be much safer than we are right now. But for now, as long as Wall-Knight stands guard for what just might be the rest of his life, we're all going to be okay.'

They all gazed proudly at him for a few seconds until he fucking exploded. Turns out his Uncrackable ability didn't work as effectively on bullets. Enormous shards of walnut flew everywhere and clattered against the window as they all screamed in horror. Brainstorm knew where they were now, and nobody knew what to do once that silhouette appeared on the side gate. Every plant hero ran in a different direction, flipping tables and scattering seed packets all over. They all froze once the mad scientist kicked the greenhouse door open, flooding the inside with the setting sunlight. He looked quite deranged. His mustache was frazzled and his eye was twitching. He held his trusty gun in his rotting hands, pointing it between all of them.

'Don't ANYBODY move! You want to die today?! You know why I'm here.'

'Oh Gaia, I'm too hot to die! I haven't incinerated nearly as many zombies as I wanted to!'

'That's hardly the best thing to say in front of the chap. What are your demands, oh clever sir?'

Brainstorm's eyes darted around, looking them each in the eye before they found what they've been looking for. Gazing at Tony, his eyes narrowed. He waved his gun in the Gardener's direction.

'I want him. Or more precisely, what's in his skull. My demands are simple. Surrender this human to me, and I shall leave this place. No more plants have to die today. All it takes is but one brain.'

'Woah, you mean that's all it takes? Shit, go on Tony. Give em your brain.'

"What the FUCK, Flare?"

'C'mon! You don't use it anyways, so what's the big deal? I'm game for a loss if it means the rest of us get to live.'

Most of the other agents nodded and muttered, thinking it over. Green Shadow cleared her throat and spoke up.

'If you think about it, NOT giving him your brain would be pretty selfish, since you'd be dooming us all. Relinquishing one life to save many, you know? It'd be the right thing to do, Gardener.'

"Hey GS, what happened to the goal of L.E.A.F. to protect mankind?! Where the hell did that go? This is fucking ridiculous."

These spineless agents didn't move an inch to save his life, looking amongst each other with fear written all over their faces. They needed a pep talk and a good slap on the face. He could only provide one at the moment.

"Look guys. I don't think you realize who is really on top here! There's a reason you were all chosen to lead the charge against the zombie menace. It's because you're the best of the best! But mostly because you happened to get zapped with some weird hero laser thing! What good are your strengths and powers if you don't use them? If you all acted as a team, stood with your heads held high and gave it your all, you can get past this! I know you can!"

He seems to have stirred something in them with his words. Emboldened, GS took the stand next, hopping up on a stool.

'...he's right guys. This is hardly the first time we've been backed into a corner. There's only one problem here, and we can all work in unison to overcome it together, right? We're agents! TOP agents! We didn't rise through the ranks just to cower like a-FUCKING GRAB HIM!'

Horrified, he tried to make a run for it, but Chompzilla saw right through him, hocking a purple mass of goop at his legs to slow him down. Working together, Green Shadow and Solar Flare tackled him to the floor, holding him down as Rose waved her wand and bound him up, leaving him to wiggle like a worm. A pissed off worm that swore a lot. Feeling big, starchy hands wrap around him, Spudow lifted him up and held him high over his head with a primal roar of wrath as he struggled fruitlessly, carrying him to his fate as all the plant ""heroes"" chanted like tribals.

'SACRIFICE! SACRIFICE! SACRIFICE! SACRIFICE!'

While the others bowed to their new zombie overlord, Spudow delivered the Gardener to Brainstorm's feet. Cackling in triumph, the professor began to pace around, making demands to them.

'Things are going to be different around here! With this weapon in my possession, all the brains belong to me now! I want each of you to head to the nearest human and beat them into submission, once you've done that, drag them over to th-CRACK!

With a sudden but heavy swing, Professor Brainstorm fell to the floor into a slump on top of the Gardener. Standing above him was none other than the leader of the zombies himself, Edgar Zomboss (along with a few of the zombie heroes behind him). He had a baseball bat in his hands and a regretful look on his face. Everyone turned to face him as he did a "time out" gesture with his hands.

"'Wow. I, uh....I didn't....well. I...I am....SO very sorry about that. I mean, I'm all for cheating and destroying the town and taking over, but....a GUN? That's just too far. Never in my days would I have ever chosen such a.....drastic method. C'mon. Giant robots? Sure. Lasers and footballs! Of course! But not this. Oh man. Super Brainz. Drag him away, will you?"'

As Brainstorm's limp body slid away, Zomboss cleared his throat and scratched the back of his head, kicking the gun underneath a seed planter. There was no need for such a thing anymore. He wasn't that insane. Back to inventing a portable black hole.

"'Sorry. Just.....sorry."'

The plants and the Gardener were alone once again. They just silently stared at each other for a while. Rose looked away and gave a casual wave of her wand, undoing the magical thorny bindings keeping him contained. Not even Chompzilla wanted to look his way, and she didn't even have eyes. As he rose to his feet, Flare was the first to speak up.

'Hey Ton' uh....about the whole...sacrificing you to Brainstorm thing. See, uh....what you gotta know is....this was all SPUDOW'S fault! He told us to do it!'

'Indeed, I never thought the spud would stoop so low, but even I was powerless to his intimidating gaze and unnerving power, dear Gardener.'

'It was definitely his fault, Gardener. I would never lie to you.'

All the plant heroes murmured and nodded in unison, even Spudow himself. These agents were ridiculous, cowardly and clearly Agee to stab each other in the back. He had his fill for the day. Gesturing kindly to the door to his greenhouse, he softly gave them their cue to leave.

"Get the fuck out here."

Too eager to leave, they all shuffled away, taking care not to tread on the remains of Wall-Knight on their way (Chompzilla simply licking it all up). If they weren't good heroes, they'd probably make better maids with all the order they have left to restore to the shattered town. Fishing out the gun, the Gardener pocketed it. That's the last time he relied on L.E.A.F. to save his hide.

**Author's Note:**

> Fantastic story image from my good art friend https://marvelousdio.tumblr.com/image/179227937570
> 
> A very early work of mine based on a true daydream.


End file.
